When it is time to part

When the life of a couple consists only of wars or routine, parting seems inevitable. But some do not dare to leave the drowning ship. How to understand that relations no longer have a future?

She with difficulty endures his presence, but continues to live with him. He can no longer listen to her reproaches, but does not throw her. According to the Federal State Statistics Service, two marriages account for an average of one divorce. But there are no data about those who remain in pairs, although everything pushes them to part.

Probably, each of us can recall our friends, whom everyone around is only thinking: “Well, why does he (she) not leave?»Devastation, longing, misunderstanding — many years withstand a similar situation before deciding and collecting things.

Hidden benefit of relationships

In pairs, we get support and understanding, learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, grow internally and develop. Communicating with a partner, we better recognize ourselves, heal our children’s wounds and feel safe. But what holds us if the pair is no longer a dialogue and joy to be together?

Some of us value the families that they managed to create. Most modern men and women perceive parting as a collapse of their life ideal, because we want to believe that marriage is “once and for life”. According to a survey conducted by Tiburon Research in 2011, 79% of those who are in marriage and 57% of those who are divorced agree with this.

“When my parents had to say that my wife and I were getting divorced, I could not force myself to look in my father,” 29-year-old Sergei admits. — I knew that he would blame me. From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man if he could not save his family. «.

If we live with the idea of ourselves as a victim, we will most likely stay in a couple, where we play this particular role

“The longer a couple remains one, the more difficult it is to break the“ family wrapper, ”said Inna Khamitova, family psychotherapist Inna Hamitov. — holds the common memory and feeling that when parting, part of life will be crossed out, depreciated. Often the fear of the future is added to this. But sometimes it is the painful experiences of partners that turn out to be a cement holding relationships «.

“Life is suffering”, “a woman must endure everything, if only the children had a father”, “a better family than no,” the family psychotherapist quotes the examples of beliefs that do not allow to break the connection, even when she became a painful. “Partners remain in the Union if this union supports their idea of themselves and the world,” Inna Hamitova summarizes. — For example, if we live with an idea of ourselves as a victim, we will most likely remain in a pair, where we play just this role «.

Fear of emptiness

45-year-old Tatyana recalls how almost 8 years did not dare to part with her husband. “He caused everything: look at yourself who needs you? And I believed this. » — recalls Tatyana. Some of us can hardly endure not only loneliness, but even the thought of him. They are afraid to face a deep, disturbing emptiness.

“The hardest thing is to cope with her for those who have not received enough love in childhood or were left by one of the parents,” the psychologist Mariz Vayan notes. — remaining alone, they feel unloved, which means that they are bad and rebuild their past suffering. They are ready to endure a lot — boredom, aggression, contempt — just to avoid this. «.

A transaction of self -esteem is a logical result. But the lower the self -esteem, the less faith in their strength and the more difficult it is to part. If such dysfunctional partnership lasts a long time, self -esteem falls. All this is reflected in sexual relations: they either do not bring pleasure or are completely absent.

Partners develop a habit not to allow themselves to think about what is happening to them

“Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her desire, and a man who is afraid of a woman’s desire,” continues Mariz Vyan. — After all, in order to agree to do without sex, two are needed. Two — to agree to be unlucky together. «

Partners develop the habit of suppressing their feelings and not allow yourself to think about what is happening to them. So it was with 54-year-old Ivan, who left the house after 20 years of marriage.

“For the past ten years, I have been busy with something all the time, I tried not to think about it,” says Ivan. — We met friends, helped children, worked like crazy people — and all these ten years were unhappy, I don’t know why. I did not even want to ask myself this question, because he would drag a whole chain of others. But my friends were worried, seeing that I was depressed, that I was khandry and annoyed. I did not listen to them until one of them asked directly what prevents me from leaving. I did not find what to answer him. And left».

«I was released by the care of the mother -in -law»

Inna, 44 years old, anesthetist

“I grew up without my father and married quite early for a good person worthy of all respects. For fifteen years in a row, I did everything as expected: I raised two sons, I led the house, I had a favorite job, an attentive husband, good friends. And we got along with my mother -in -law perfectly, she helped me a lot: she advised, supported, sat with her grandchildren.

And at the same time, deep down, I knew that I got married more likely to be calculated than for love: I just wanted to have always to be a defense, a reliable family. I had no attraction to my husband. Sensuality completely left our lives, but I always had explanations: children, care, fatigue. But still sometimes such a longing rolled up that I wanted to quit everything and leave. I plunged with my head into work — and it became easier. I thought: I will not ruin my house with my own hands, so cozy, so native!

And then the mother -in -law died. Some balance was broken, and this prompted me «to the exit». Once I met a childhood friend, we talked, began to remember. Remembered a classmate — my first love. I carefully asked if she knew where he is now. “Do you want his coordinates?» — she responded immediately.

More than a month has passed before I decided to call. But when we met, we could no longer tear themselves away from each other. In the end, I divorced. But I still ask myself: I would have enough spirit then call, and then divorce my husband, if the mother -in -law was alive, this strong woman, who “held” our family? I am not sure about that».

Gap as an accusation

There are many couples in which everyone blames the other, not realizing that the reason for the confusion of feelings in himself. The partner becomes a scapegoat, an object of aggression. Love is intertwined with hatred, and the couple closes in his micromy, not even trying to find a way out.

“Two are fighting for family happiness, https://fresho.co.in/refund_returns/ but do not realize that each of them has their own idea of how happiness it should be,” Inna Khamitova describes the typical situation. — It seems that the other deliberately interferes and spoils everything. Mutual accusations begin, and in this struggle, what could still be destroyed. The gap becomes another way to shout to another: “It’s you to blame for everything!»In this case, divorce does not solve problems, but gives rise to new.

“Postering always hurts,” emphasizes Gestalt therapist Daniil Chlorov. — We know this and therefore sometimes use it as the last argument in a dispute — in a fit of feelings or out of a desire to punish another for those suffering that, as we believe, it was he who caused us. But no matter how we wound the other, this will not heal our own wounds «.

Maybe it’s more useful for us to pause and ask ourselves: “What if it is something wrong with me?»Some couples experience a whole series of gaps that are every time accompanied by violent emotions. “Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy — only suffering or delight,” Inna Khamitova notes. — To feel alive, they need not just events, but the blows of fate. They need strong emotions, otherwise life seems fake «».